Today was not the most productive day. Did plan to attend my Eng Lit lecture but my crazy ass landlord turned up 20 minutes before it to fix my window latch and I didn’t want to leave until he was done. He brought his wife, I think to make me feel more comfortable? But it didn’t really. I just kind of sat on my bed all awkward and watching. Not cool.
I’m gutted I missed that lecture, actually. It was going to be on a Muriel Spark book I really love and I wanted to check my interpretation of it wasn’t entirely wrong before starting my essay. Oh, well.
Made it to Comparative Lit. This year the books I am studying are really affecting me to be honest. The recurring motif is “male violence under patriarchy.” I knew I was going to find the topic interesting but a lot of old wounds have been opened up as a result. Probably a good thing, maybe I can finally address some of the fucked up stuff that went down in the past. But I’m having nightmares again, and I’m scared that this is some kind of sign that my life is going to be rudely interrupted by the ghosts of my past - as it has been previously.
Today we were focussing on memory, and how that is linked to identity. The particular case we were examining was that of Sethe in Toni Morrison’s ‘Beloved’ but I drifted off and started reflecting on my own memories. How typically egocentric of me. Anyway, it occurred to me that some incidents I had dismissed at the time actually had a significance that I couldn’t quite grasp until now. My own perspective on fundamental things such as love, and respect, and sex (particularly sex) have been affected in such a profound way by the horrible events of a few years previous.
I don’t have anyone I can speak to about stuff like that, though. My friends don’t want to hear me get all serious and emotional. Their morbid side is happy to hear a dark tale from my murky past but only if I tell it flippantly, with characteristic self-deprecation and a confidence that is ALL show. If I came at them with a genuine issue and feelings that cannot be trivialised they would probably take a seizure, I know I would. My family know as much as I can tell them about previous relationships but there’s no way I could let them know the full extent of it. Jamie is the one person I could trust but I wont tell him for various reasons. I mean, for a start, I don’t want to know ANYTHING about his old partners. I’m way too jealous for that. I don’t even want to acknowledge that he has been attracted to another human, far less been in love or whatever. So it would be severely hypocritical to come at him with a sob story while keeping the floodgates closed on his side. Also, it might change the way he thinks of me. As much as I resent this attitude in others and feel like anyone who has been in an abusive relationship shouldn’t feel ashamed… I just worry about his reaction.
I would hate for him to change. Because things with us are really perfect. He treats me exactly as I want to be treated. I have brief spells of confusion, and moments of panic, but I know that is because of the past and not because of his behaviour at all.
On a lighter note! Went for lunch with Gemma and Scott which was great. Scott brings out the absolute worst in me when it comes to gutter-humour. Being “tight” with cash and “wanting a big Coke” were met with ridiculous sniggering. Gemma was looking fucking fantastic and I’m glad that things seem to be on the up for her. Made plans to hit Death Disco next week. It should be epic and neither of them have been before so hopefully they wont be disappointed. It’s such an expensive night but most people just get totally pilled and don’t bother with buying bevs. Hmm.. I wonder how the naive and reserved Gemma shall react to the best of Glasgow’s gay scene; their flamboyant fashion, designer drugs and dirty dancing do make quite a spectacle. Scott will be in his element.
Plans for tonight? Working 8 till late. Lots of people going to Viper tonight and I could too, if I wanted, but even the most missed of old faces couldn’t tempt me out to that dive. They have a pole, for fucks sake. It’s all too depressing. And I think, with my current militant state of mind against male aggression, the first sleazy rugby boy to grab my arse would be served his balls on a plate.
No, no Viper for me tonight. I will curl up with Curb Your Enthusiasm and a cuppa tea, and feel a lot better for it in the morning no doubt. Shit, better read that chapter of Ulysses for my tutorial. Got an interview for the playscheme after it. Then 8 hours of… who knows… until Jamie finishes work. Another hedonistic dream of a day.
PS. Still haven’t decided what I am doing in summer.
Tags: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Death Disco, gay, Gemma, jamie, love, past, patriarchy, playscheme, Scott, sex, summer, Viper
